Paper Luigi
by Kyle the Crazy American
Summary: This is Paper Mario with a huge twist: Luigi is the hero/player, and Mario joins Jr. Troopa! Other wacky stuff happens, too. Please R R!
1. A Plea from the Stars or Who Needs Mario

Disclaimer: This is based on a Nintendo 64 game by Intelligent Systems. I am not part of them, so this is unofficial. Also, I don't own MGM Studios. Or Lucasfilm...  
  
Prologue: A Plea from the Stars or Who Needs Mario?  
  
In the forest just outside Peach's Castle, where the Mario Brothers' house lies, Parakarry the green-shelled post-Koopa delivered a letter to the mail box, muttered something about always delivering stupid letters, shouted, "Mail call!" and walked away to deliver his next 'stupid letter.' 'Wait a minute,' he thought, 'I can fly! I bet you seen a housefly, maybe even a donkey fly, but you ain't never seen a Koopa fly!' and flew away.  
  
Luigi, who was wearing his classic green shirt with blue overalls, and his green "L" cap, heard the call, and said to Mario, "I'll go get the mail, okay brother?" Mario, his older brother who wore the same outfit, except the shirt and cap color was red, and the hat had an "M," replied, "Of course, Luigi." So he went out to get the 'stupid letter,' and came back in. "Hey, Mario, we got a letter from Princess Peach!" Mario ran over anxiously. Luigi continued. "I'll read it to you 'cause you're too dumb."  
  
Mario glowered at his brother. "You don't call me dumb, boy!"  
  
(A star-shaped fade-in appears and the scene shifts into an RPG-style fight.)  
  
Mario thought for a moment. He had no Items or Strategies, and didn't even know what they were yet, so he decided jump on his brother's head. Just as he was about to make contact, however, Luigi pulled his hat over his eyes, crouched, and took no damage. Luigi smiled and reached into his pocket. A moment later, he pulled out a pendant with a star hanging from it. "This is a Lucky Star. It allows me to do the Action Command. Peach gave this to me when I rescued you in Mario Is Missing." He jumped on Mario's head, and once he landed, he jumped again and landed on Mario's head again, and went back to his normal position.  
  
The process was repeated four times, but the fifth time, Luigi only stomped Mario's head once, leaving him with 1 HP. "Go to bed and stay at the house, or I will be forced to kill you." Mario foolishly stood his ground and Jumped, but with 1 more power. Luigi sighed and dealt the last damage, and earned 30 Star Points, whatever those were. When the scene went back to normal, Mario shouted, "You may have won this time, but next time you won't!" With that, he ran to the bed crying.  
  
Luigi decided he had better read the letter.  
  
"I'm throwing a party at my castle today! Mario and Luigi, I would be honored if you both could attend. Many guests from different towns are hoping to meet you. There will be tasty sweets and all kinds of entertainment! I hope to see you here soon!  
  
Sincerely, Peach."  
  
With that, Luigi hopped into the pipe that led from their house to Toad Town, the largest city in the Mushroom Kingdom. Once in Toad Town, he walked to the castle.  
  
There were a fair amount of Toads in the castle, but there were more foreigners than Luigi had ever seen. Looking around, he saw Koopa Troopas from Koopa Village, mice and Toads wearing turbans from Dry Dry Outpost, and penguins and earmuff-wearing Toads from the Shiver region. He talked to many of them until at last a guard-Toad told him Peach had just entered her private chambers, and he walked there.  
  
When he met the Princess, she smiled and said, "Oh, Luigi! You came to the party to see me! You're so sweet! Thank you! Um, where's moron-er, Mario?" Luigi sighed and replied, "He couldn't make it." "Well, good, I didn't want short stuff to get between you and me.  
  
"I was just resting a bit. It gets tiring, greeting all those guests out there! Nobody will bother us here. Shall we relax and chat, just the two of us?" "Of course," responded Luigi. Peach continued. "It was a lovely day today, so I'm sure it's comfortable out on the balcony right now. Would you accompany me, Luigi?" "Sure, Peach."  
  
So they started toward the balcony, but they hadn't taken two steps when the castle began to rumble. It was actually being lifted high into the sky. Frantic, the two of them ran around crazily until the rumbling stopped.  
  
"Oh! Are you all right, Luigi? What in the world was that?" She turned to look out the window, and jumped two feet in the air. "Oh, my! Look, Luigi! It's still daytime, isn't it?...But I can see stars outside!"  
  
At that moment, Bowser, flying in some sort of machine, and a strange Koopa flying on a broomstick came through the window. As they landed, Bowser cackled and exclaimed, "Gwaa ha ha ha ha ha! Long time, no see, Princess Peach!" Peach replied, "...Bowser! But this can't be! It was you who made the ground shake just now, wasn't it! Whatever did you do?" Bowser smiled and laughed again. "GWA HA HA HA! Yeah, that was me! I've lifted your castle up into the sky! It's sitting on my castle now! Weren't expecting that, huh? Ha! This castle's under my control now, my dear! Now you will obey ME!"  
  
Bowser started toward the princess, but Luigi ran in his path. Bowser stopped suddenly. "Huh!? What? It's...Luigi!! What a shock! Ha! Not really! I expected you to turn up, right on cue. You're just as annoying as ever. Unfortunately for you, there's nothing you can do this time." "Haven't you learned your lesson by now, Bowser?" Peach retorted. "You can never defeat Luigi! Why don't you give up already?" Bowser chuckled and said, "True, true, I have had my problems in the past...But this time is different! This time I'm gonna win! OK, tough guy! Let's go!"  
  
(The scene shifts just like it did earlier to an RPG-style fight.)  
  
"Luigi, you can do it!" Peach encouraged. Since jumping was his only method of attack, he did a double-stomp on Bowser's nose. Bowser tried to retaliate with a claw attack, but Luigi blocked it. This process was repeated twice.  
  
Bowser then mocked, "Good old Luigi...always fighting. You're a thorn in my side. But today, your pathetic little attacks won't beat me!" He produced what looked like a magic wand, and continued. "Take a look at this! Look what I stole from Star Haven! It's the Star Rod! This fine piece of work has the power to grant any wish in the whole wide world! And when I use the Star Rod to increase my strength, even you can't beat me, Luigi!" The Star Rod glowed, and flashed, and Bowser started flashing bright colors. "Gwa ha ha ha ha ha! How do you like that, Luigi?!" He did his claw attack again, but this time it was stronger and dealt heavy damage. Luigi, ignoring the pain, jumped at Bowser again, but this time, he dealt no damage to Bowser.  
  
"Gwa ha ha ha ha ha! Is that all you've got? How sad! You'd best take some vitamins, 'cause that didn't hurt at all!" With that, Bowser did his claw swipe attack again. "AUGH! I can't damage Bowser! He'll kill me! Please, Bowser, I'll do anything if you spare my life!" "Gwa ha-huh? Anything? I'll tell you what: I won't kill you if you jump out that window over there! Gwa ha ha ha ha ha!"  
  
Luigi ran over to the window. "Tally-ho..." he mumbled nervously as he took a deep breath and leaped.  
  
"Yes!" Bowser shouted. "Oh, yeah! I did it! I finally did it! I beat my old rival Luigi! Yessss!" The strange Koopa right behind Bowser congratulated him. "Congratulations on your victory, Your Viciousness! That's why you're the King!" "As long as I have this Star Rod," Bowser decided, "everything I wish will come true! No one can stop me now!" Peach ran over to the window. "Oh, no! Luigi------!!" A bunch of Koopatrol guards came and carried Peach off to her room, where she would be Bowser's captive.  
  
As Luigi continued to fall, a huge scroll came in. It read, "PAPER LUIGI" (MARIO had been hastily crossed out.)  
As Luigi lay motionless in a strange forest, suddenly seven stars with faces appeared and circled above him. Two of them fluttered down to Luigi. "Oh, thank heavens!" one of them exclaimed. "He's been gravely injured, but I think he'll recover."  
  
"But Bowser has the Star Rod!" said another. "Now he's mightier than Luigi! It's hopeless! All is lost!" The oldest-looking one said, "Everybody just calm down. As long as we keep it together, there's always hope. Now...Our fates are in Luigi's hands. We must try to revive him. Gather round, everyone. Send Luigi your power!"  
  
Small stars started forming around Luigi. "Phew...that's it. That's all we can do right now. Luigi...Please get up...Please..." They all disappeared.  
  
Then, a small, young, pink Goomba with an orange bow walked toward Luigi. "It really sounded like something fell somewhere around here...Oh...Who could that be?"  
  
That person seemed familiar. She walked over for a closer look. "This green shirt, this hat, and this mustache...You know, this really looks like the one and only Luigi! It couldn't be...could it? The real Luigi?" She decided she better wake him up. "Hey! Hey! Wake up! C'mon!! Up and at'em!! Oh no! He won't wake up!!!" She was frantic. "Oh, oh, what am I gonna do!?" Then she decided she better go get her family. "Dad!! Goom- pa!! Goom-bi-gi!!!"  
  
Several days later, Luigi was in a weird house on as bed. The old star appeared to Luigi once more. "Luigi...Can you hear me, Luigi...? I'm Eldstar, a Star Spirit...I have something very important to tell you...It concerns the princess...and all of the Mushroom Kingdom...But sadly, I haven't the strength to talk to you here...Luigi...I need to have you come to Shooting Star Summit. Please...Luigi...We Star Spirits will be waiting for you at the summit..."  
  
Eldstar disappeared. Luigi woke up and looked around. A Toad came in the door of the strange house he was in. "Oh...Luigi! I'm so happy to see you awake! You haven't opened your eyes for days and days! Everyone's been worried sick!"  
  
Luigi went out and looked around. He talked to a nearby Goomba. "Who are you?" he asked curiously. "My name's Goombigi. I'm your biggest fan! You don't know how much it means for me to meet you!" Luigi sighed and said, "Well, I am greatly in your debt for you guys helping me recover, but I'm afraid I gotta go soon." Goombigi knew that Luigi was always busy saving someone, so he got worried. "What happened? Is Bowser up to his old tricks?"  
  
"No, he actually found a new one: steal the Star Rod from Star Haven and wish himself a castle under Peach's and wish it to rise into the sky when lots of people are there for a party." "Oh...So couldn't you beat him and get back the Star Rod? You're Luigi!" "He wished himself invincible too. When my attacks didn't work, I decided I'd give up, and I knew I'd have no chance of saving everyone if I let him capture me, so I jumped out the window to avoid being killed. I find it odd, though, that our author hasn't noticed that I'm paper and could have easily floated down without any injury...Oh, well. I gotta go to someplace called Shooting Star Summit to listen to some guy called Eldstar talk at me."  
  
"Oh..." said the disappointed Goomba. "Do you know about lots of places and creatures? If not, maybe you could use a guy like me on your quest." "I dunno, little man, this is dangerous...in any case, I gotta go."  
  
Luigi walked over to Goompapa and told him he had to leave. As he spoke, he saw a weird flying thing out of the corner of his eye. It yelled, "Heee!! Yee hee heee!!!" As it came down near Luigi, Goombiga and Goompapa, he recognized it as the strange Koopa with Bowser. It stopped in front of them and said, "Bleah heh heh heh...Ah, my instincts were right...Luigi...I can't believe you're on your feet after taking such a beating from King Bowser. You're a hardy one, all right. I was smart to come here to check on you." "Whuh...what? What's that, Daddy? What's that weird flying thing?" Goombiga asked, frightened. "Weird? You little...I am a beautiful Koopa with a beautiful name: Kammy Koopa! Hmmmph!! I wish I had time to teach you a lesson, brat! But no. Luigi! Hear this! It is useless for you to try to save Princess Peach. Ridiculous! Laughable! As you have seen, King Bowser is more powerful than even you can deal with this time. Here's a gift from him!" With that, Kammy Koopa raised her magic wand. A yellow block appeared and came down on the gate to Goomba Road. "Nyeah heh heh heh! Luigi! You will kneel and weep when you see the wonderful changes King Bowser's made! Your world is ours now! Bleah heh ho hyuck HA!!" With that, she flew away.  
  
"Ummmmmm...I just fixed that gate...Nobody say 'gate' to me." Luigi smiled widely and yelled, "GATE!" "Doh! You're killing me! Sigh...Kammy Koopa, that fiend! Did you hear what she said about the princess? It didn't sound good. I hope nothing's happened to her..." Luigi quickly filled him in on the details. When he finished, Goompapa cried, "Wha...Wha...What!? Bowser went and kidnapped Princess Peach?! Again?! Oh, unbelievable! And now you-" "Can't get to Shooting Star Summit!" Luigi exclaimed franticly. "Ummmm...This could be a problem." Goombiga felt they couldn't leave Luigi with no way to save Peach. "Dad, We've just gotta do something, right? Luigi's gotta save the princess! Nobody else can do it! Especially not that stupid brother of his!" "Ummmmmmm...Oh, here's an idea! Maybe we can break this block with Goompa's big Hammer! I think he's using it now to fix the veranda on the other side of the house. Go ask him for it, will you?"  
  
So Luigi went into the house and found the back door. When he went through, there was no veranda. In fact, there was no nothing, which caused him to  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!!  
  
Fall. When he landed, he was in a lowland forest. Walking over as he mumbled about stupid Goomba names, he talked to an old man Goomba. "Oh, my back...Hm? Who's that? That you, Luigi?" "Who else?" "I remember a great crashing noise and then the veranda collapsed and I fell. Did you fall too?" "Of course. I stepped out that dumb door into thin air." "Just stepped out the door into thin air, did you? Well, we're both OK. Problem is, we can't get home because that block is in the way." The two walked over to a block identical to the one Kammy Koopa placed on the gate. "This block...This block shouldn't be here. Well, this is a problem for us." "Don't you have some stupid Hammer that is somehow important enough to get a capital letter?" "......Huh? A Hammer? Oh, of course! Um...where did it go?" "If I knew, we'd be on our way out of here! Let's look for it!" Um...that's a good idea. I was using it to fix the veranda, so it's likely around here somewhere..."  
  
So Luigi and Goompa went to the nearby trees. Luigi searched several bushes, even the one at the White House before finding the Hammer. When he did find it, he whacked trees, and the shaking of one tree brought down Goombiga's Dolly that she had lost. "Well, now that we have the Hammer, let's go home." He went ahead of Luigi, and came crashing backwards with a loud, "YOUCH!!" Following him a little yellow creature wearing half an egg as a hat and the other half as pants. "Who are you guys!? This is my playground, idiots! Nobody sets foot in here without my permission! Nobody! Prepare to start crying at the feet of Master Jr. Troopa!"  
  
(Star-shaped fade-in)  
  
Goompa explained, "Luigi, this is Jr. Troopa. He's the boss of the neighborhood gang. A bit of a bully, obviously. He's more bark than bite. You can beat him easily. Just boost yourself up and don't take any lip! I'll stay right here behind you and watch your progress." Luigi used his new Hammer to deal 2 damage to Jr. Troopa. "Oh, excellent! Good move! Go on!!" exclaimed Goompa. Jr. Troopa responded with an easily-blocked jump attack. Luigi used the Hammer again, and this left Jr. Troopa with 1 HP, and Goompa said, "Keep going! You've almost got him!" Jr. Troopa shouted, "All right, you asked for it! Say hello to Jr. Troopa's special attack! FULL POWER!!" Jr. Troopa dealt 1 damage to Luigi with his attack this time. "This was too easy! 'Bye!" Luigi said as he hit Jr. Troopa once more. Jr. Troopa gave up, and Luigi earned 20 Star Points. "Luigi, that was wonderful fighting." "Thanks," Luigi replied. "Shoooooot!! I was winning, too! I'll be back, Luigi!" He ran off, only to come back and hastily reply, "I mean it, I'll be back!!" Luigi and Goompa started toward Goomba Village. The plumber hit the nearby tree to find a Mushroom that could restore 5 of Luigi's Heart Points. Luigi noticed a Heart Block, a spring pad, and a high ledge off the path and went to check them out. He hit jumped into the bottom of the Heart Block and suddenly felt like he just had a nap. On the ledge he found a Fire Flower, which could deal 3 damage to all enemies in battle. Then he went back to the path. On their way back, Luigi found a Star Piece, Bowser- following Goombas, Spiked Goombas, Paragoombas, which gave him 13 more Star Points, and then they came to...a gate. "A gate???" asked Luigi. "It means we're finally there," Goompa explained.  
  
Goombigi and Goombiga told Goompa how worried they were. Goompa told them to calm down, and went into the house to get something he wanted Luigi to have. "Huh? Hey...That dolly you've got...That's the one Goombiga lost! She was looking all over for it," Goombigi informed him. Luigi gave back the Dolly, and received a Star Piece. Goombigi asked Luigi some questions about how he always beats his enemies, and boasted that he had been working out.  
  
At that moment, Goompa came out. "Sorry to have kept you waiting, Luigi." He gave him the Power Jump badge, which would boost his Jump attack power by 2 if he was desperate enough to use 2 Flower Points. "By the way, Luigi, I heard from Gooma...You're taking it upon yourself to try to rescue the princess from Bowser's clutches." "Yeah, so?" Luigi said impatiently. "Oh yeah!" Goombigi exclaimed. "Luigi can beat Bowser with one hand tied behind his back!" "Hush, now, Goombigi," Goompa sighed. "Luigi, please take that Hammer. It should serve you well. If I were just a bit younger, I'd accompany you on your trip." "Goombigi is!" Luigi realized. "That's just what I was thinking," Goompa answered. "Goombigi...Perhaps the timing is perfect. You are no longer a child, and evil times are upon us. I'm sure Luigi will agree...You should accompany Luigi." "What!? Really!?" Goombigi shouted excitedly. "Can nI go, Goompa!? Can I really go!? Yes!!!!! Oh yeah!!! Luigi! You won't regret this!" "Way to go, Goombigi!" his sister said, impressed.  
  
Luigi took a quick nap, and whacked the Goomnut tree to make one fall for 3 FP anytime he ate it. Soon, Luigi was on his way to Toad Town and ultimately Shooting Star Summit.  
  
Fighting through Goombas was easier with Goompoop, Luigi realized. He took less time. Damage was not an issue; it was all blocked. In all, Luigi earned 54 Star Points*, some Coins, and a Mushroom before he reached a strange, dark castle.  
  
*When he would have reached 100, he went back to zero, and had the option of upgrading one of his three upgrade-compatible statistics: HP from 10 to 15, FP from 5 to 10, or Badge Points (BP) from 3 to 6. He chose FP. This happens every time he reaches 100.  
  
"There used to be a bridge on the other side of it...I wonder what happened to it," Goombigi wondered curiously. "I have a feeling we're gonna have to fight some boss here, Goompoop-er, I mean, Goombigi..." Luigi said nervously. "You think so?" "I (gulp) know so! Look!" Luigi shouted, pointing to the top of the building. "AUGH! IT'S A KILLER HUGE BIG GOOMPOOP!" "Hello, department of redundancy department? You said two things that mean large," said Goombigi, remembering his most recent Language Arts lesson. "I DON'T GIVE A SPINY'S FREAKING BUTT! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING!" "Luigi, cut the chatter. We're gonna have company real soon!" "You've been playing too many flight sims, haven't you?" "Well, I have always wanted to be a Paragoomba..." Then the huge Goomba spoke. "So, Luigi, it's true! You've made it this far. I respect you for that. Unfortunately, this is as far as you'll ever get. Because I, the great and powerful King Goomba, will see to it that you advance no farther!" "I'm sure he's no match for you, Luigi! Let's get him!" With no provocation, Luigi threw himself at the Goomba King. He flew off the nearby cliff, then the roof of the central tower fell, rolled off the edge, and all the brick pictures peeled off, revealing several pieces of the bridge, which sprung toward the canyon. Luigi got 30 Star Points. "Look! The bridge!!" said Goombigi. "Now we can cross it and continue our journey. All right!" So they crossed, and on their way, they found a Star Piece, and a Super Shroom, good for 10 HP when needed.  
  
As they reached Toad Town, Kammy Koopa, whom had been spying on them, headed back to Bowser's Castle. When she arrived, she rushed to find him. "Mighty King Bowser..." she panted, "I've been looking for you. A report, Your Evilness: Luigi defeated the Goomba King. He's heading for Toad Town now...Eh? What's that cameraman doing here? He shouldn't be here..." With that, Bowser roasted Luigi's spy, ending the prologue, and beginning our profiles...  
  
------------------------------------------------------------Profiles-------- ----------------------------------------------------  
  
I will not include Goomba, Spiked Goomba, or Paragoomba profiles because they are freaking easy to beat. Also, I will include a continuation of Luigi's profile in every chapter for everything that has "Current" before it except Current Coins, which are self-explanatory, so you know all of Luigi's statistics.  
  
Name: Parakarry Dunno (I asked my older brother what he thought Parakarry's last name should be, and that's what he said...)  
  
Age: 32  
  
Height: 5'11''  
  
Weight: 215 lbs.  
  
Gender: Male  
  
Nationality: American  
  
Eye Color: Dark Brown  
  
Shell Color: Green  
  
Status: Partner  
  
Attacks: (This is how I'll do these: Attack name, damage, any special effects; next attack...) (starting) Sky Dive, 2+1 for Super Rank, +2 for Ultra Rank; Shell Shot, 5+1 for Super Rank, +1 for Ultra Rank; (Super Rank) Air Lift, 0, Lift enemies out of battle; (Ultra Rank) Air Raid, 6, attack all enemies  
  
Defense Power: 1 (Only when a Duplighost transforms into him)  
  
Bio: Parakarry grew up in Dry Dry Desert, with his family. Distant relatives from Koopa Village occasionally came to visit, but that was the only contact they ever had to people from other places. He traveled to Toad Town for school, and decided to become a postman, because he wasn't as sharp as I am. "I'll never give you any mail!" Parakarry shouted. "That's okay," I replied, "I don't live in the Mushroom Kingdom. Ha!"  
  
Growth Shroom^_^: Days off  
  
Poison Shroom-`_'-: Stupid letters  
  
Name: Luigi Mario  
  
Age: 25  
  
Height: 5'10''  
  
Weight: 155 lbs.  
  
Gender: Male  
  
Nationality: ???  
  
Eye Color: Blue-green  
  
Hair Color: Brown  
  
Status: Player  
  
Attacks: Items, ?, ?; Jump, 2+2 for Super Boots+2 for Ultra Boots, ?; Hammer, 2+2 for Super Hammer+2 for Ultra Hammer, ?; Star Powers, ?, ?  
  
Defense Power: 0  
  
Current Max HP: 10  
  
Current Max FP: 10  
  
Current Star Points: 34  
  
Current Coins: Um...0...he'll just reach in and take some from Merlon's mystical Plot Hole when he needs them...  
  
Current Max Star Power: 0  
  
Current Max BP: 3  
  
Current Badge(s): Power Jump: Increases Luigi's Jump attack power by 2, in exchange for 2 FP.  
  
Bio: Luigi, the more adventurous of the Mario Brothers, does all his own stunts in this Fic, including jumping out a window a mile in the air and living, and...uh...You'll see in the next few chapters....  
  
Growth Shroom^_^: Peach  
  
Poison Shroom-`_'-: Mario  
  
"Have you seen my Chance Cube?" "Hey, Watto! You're not in this! Get out of here or I will be forced to take legal action!" I shouted angrily. "What dangerous, life-threatening thing can I do now?" Luigi came in on cue with his quote.  
  
Name: Mario Mario  
  
Age: 29  
  
Height: 5'4''  
  
Weight: 180 lbs.  
  
Gender: Male  
  
Nationality: ???  
  
Eye Color: Blue  
  
Hair Color: Brown  
  
Status: Enemy  
  
Attacks: Jump, 1+1 for every time Luigi meets him; Punch (3rd meeting onward), 2+1 for each meeting, steal certain abilities of Luigi's, like Hammer and Items, then have the capability to use them himself;  
  
Defense Power: 0  
  
Max HP: 10+5 for every time Luigi meets him  
  
Bio: He was born in Japan, given a Mexican name, raised in Italy, and now lives in the U.S....If you think you're so smart, you tell me what he is in a review. He is not really the hero most of the time. Luigi is his stunt double. Mario just does the walking and talking. He was in show business since he was 17, and he never got anything above a C+ in Reading, so Luigi has a reason to call him dumb. "Hey, don't you call me dumb, too!" Mario cried defensively. "Shut up, or I'll sic Luigi on you!" I retorted.  
  
Growth Shroom^_^: Mushrooms, Peach, his paycheck from Nintendo  
  
Poison Shroom-`_'-: Hunger, Luigi's insults, heights, Bowser, other whole- game bosses, regular enemies...there are too many things he's scared of to list!  
  
"It's-a me, Mario!" or "Luigi, shut up!" or "I want a spa! Give me a spa! It should be part of the contract! Where's my agent?!" "Did you call me, sir?" offered James Bond. "Yes. I want you to use...aggressive negotiations...to get them to give me a spa." Bond pulled out his silenced PP7 and held !!! at gunpoint. "Think about it. If you kill me, you will no longer exist. I employed you, I can banish you from this Fic." I said calmly. Bond walked away, saying, "M just called...urgent business...goodbye!" 


	2. Storming Koopa Bros Fortress or Gramps b...

Chapter 1: "Storming Koopa Bros. Fortress" or "Gramps" because he told me I could stay up later if I named a chapter after him or "Paravillintiniay" because of the cool song in this chapter.  
  
Disclaimer: I own a few of my self-invented characters, like Luigi's camera spy, Goombigi, and, of course, myself. Nothing else. Especially not my favorite band Relient K's "Gibberish" song.  
  
Author's Note: I'M BAD ABOUT UPDATING!! SORRY! On a lighter note, this chapter is so funny and silly that I've completely dropped the current status!  
  
Review Responses: GumballMachine: *grins* Thanks!  
  
Pickled-Pickles: How many of my fics have you read?  
  
When we last left our story, Luigi's camera spy was turned into a pile of ashes with a pair of little blinking eyeballs, just like a cartoon character. So we're going back to Luigi.  
  
Luigi and Goombigi walked into Toad Town. "Hey, Luigi!" a Toad shouted. "The Castle's been uprooted, and Moron-er, Mario's missing!"  
  
"He is?" Luigi asked, wondering what his wimpy brother was doing now. "Yep, since just after the Castle went up, up and away. I also saw some guy in an eggshell run through town in the direction of Pleasant Path," the Toad informed him.  
  
"Can you tell me-" Luigi was interrupted by Goombigi, who said, "How to grow armpit hair?" The Toad laughed, and the laugh turned into a cackle, and the Toad turned into.  
  
(Insert scary, ominous, evil music here)  
  
some homeless guy snoring on a big cardboard box. "Hey, wake up, man!" yelled Goombigi. His only response was sleep-mumbling. Then Luigi decided he would just leave him alone for a while, so he jumped over the homeless guy, who suddenly disappeared into thin air and hollered, (good grief, I'm running out of synonyms for "shouted".this must be a loud chapter.) "Get outta here, ya creep!"  
  
"Well, SCREW YOU!!!" Luigi retorted. Then suddenly an evil Science teacher called Mrs. Booza ran up and said, "I told you not to say that again, so you get a detention now!" "Now?!?" Ignorant American Army CO Kyle asked, alarmed. "Yes, now!" "But it can't be now! I'm in the middle of a chapter!!" Luigi had an idea.uh-oh."Why don't you use your super author powers to immediately transport her to a strip club?" Everyone else, including Kyle, shouted, "NO!!" "Better idea: I'll trap her in a 'Kid Rock' music video for all of eternity!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Kyle announced. Immediately, the sinister Science teacher disappeared to "American Bad @$$"  
  
"Now that we're done with that, I guess we should go to Shooting Star Summit," said Luigi. "Are you sure? I thought we were supposed to go to the Hailfire Peaks and beat up the two wimpy dragons," Goombigi replied. "You blockhead! You've been playing Banjo-Tooie by Rareware for Nintendo 64 too much, haven't you?" "I guess.I just got it the other day, so-" "WHAT?!? It IS cool, but IT'S ALMOST TWO AND A HALF YEARS OLD!! WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE IT ALREADY?!?"  
  
"It is? Oh, well. Let's go." "We've BEEN going as we talked." "Really? I never noticed." "Do you-"  
  
Boom!  
  
Goombigi walked straight into a conveniently-located brick wall. "I guess he DOESN'T notice anything," Luigi laughed as he ran into Eldstar. "Ha-ha! Look who's talking!" Goombigi retorted. Then Eldstar spoke.  
  
"I'm so glad you're here. All I need to tell you is SAVE US SEVEN and SAVE THE PRINCESS and SAVE THE STAR ROD and BEAT UP BOWSER!! Kyle knows the rest." With that, Eldstar disappeared. "Um.okay." Luigi murmured. "Maybe I should join your party," suggested Kyle. "I know what's going to happen, and I have super author powers." "Um.okay." "Cool!" said Goombigi.  
  
Kyle joined the party! He can attack any single enemy with his AK47, go on a crazy rampage at all enemies with his Raging Energy, or paralyze all enemies by using his Boomerang-Hat! His (v) (that's the best thing I could do for bottom-C) ability is to hit enemies or switches from long range with the sniper scope on the AK47, or teleport Luigi and his partners anywhere with his super author-powers! "Um.okay." Luigi said.  
  
Suddenly, they were in Koopa Village. "Um.okay." repeated Luigi. "Whoa! Can you teach me that?" said Goombigi. "'Fraid not, but I can give you your Super Block-abilities early," said Kyle. Instantly, Goombigi got- "What the-hey, stop, stupid Fuzzy!" his hat stolen. He chased after the Fuzzy that stole it. This happened at the same time that he got his new abilities. One of them (not in the game) was "Hungry? Grab a Snick-ers, I means an enemy."  
  
He ran around chasing the dumb thing until he caught it, took his hat back, and ate it. "Hairy, yet satisfying," he said, pleased with himself. Kyle and Luigi just stared. "Um.okay." Kyle had an idea.uh-oh, his ideas are even more dangerous than Luigi's."Why don't you eat ALL the Fuzzies in the village?" "Coooool!" shouted Goombigi as he ran off for more morsels.  
  
Soon he had devoured all the Fuzzies in the village. Luigi and Kyle found him talking to a blue-shelled Koopa. "Dude, did you come here with anyone or just you?" "Actually, I came with Luigi, and he has to save the world again. No big deal," replied Goombigi.  
  
"You was just eatin' them things, and I thought, 'Man, he gonna get me my shell back! I'm a big enough loser as it is, and I don't need to have my shell bein' gone!'" Then Luigi walked over. "Coo! Can I stick witchoo?" Luigi put on his best Irish/Scottish accent and said, "Whaat?" "Can I stick witchoo? Please!" "Why?" "Please! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak!" "You're right, I don't. Now get out of here!"  
  
Then Shrek and the donkey came up behind them. "We don't like it a whole lot when people imitate us. Right donkey?" The donkey didn't respond right away. "Right, donkey?" Shrek asked a second time, a little louder. "Huh? What? Uh, whatchoo say?" "JUST SAY 'RIGHT'!!" came Shrek's ferocious reply. "Uh, right." "See? Now stop it before I have to scare you!" "Guys," suggested Kyle, "I think we better stop." "Um.okay." "Wanna get to the first level?" asked Kyle. "Um.okay." "How come you keep saying 'Um.okay.'" "Um.I dunno." "Well, let's go. Culpadabunkeydunkle!!" Kyle exclaimed the magic word, and the three suddenly appeared in the Koopa Bros. Fortress.  
  
For some odd reason, the place was deserted. Not a thing in sight. "Hmm, I wonder where everyone went?" Luigi murmured. "They're at Bowser's Castle showing him their super-duper move," said Kyle casually. Luigi froze. "H- how do YOU know?" he stammered. Kyle grinned. "I've got the script. This is going to be another one of those stupid games that stars your useless brother and has you possibly getting injured as the stunt double." "Oh," Luigi muttered.  
  
As they walked through the fortress, they suddenly remembered they had left the blue-shelled Koopa behind. "Boodanadolia!" Kyle screamed, and the trio appeared in Merlon's house.  
  
"Who are you and what are you doing in my house? Merlon is out!!!" came an angry voice. Quickly, Luigi grabbed Kooper the blue-shelled Koopa out of the wizard's plot hole, and Kyle shouted, "Shot-shot-shotanowalia!"  
  
"whuh-bluh-konk-whodahekh," Kooper mumbled, dazed. At this point, Kyle started to sing, with absolutely no warning. Here's what he sang:  
  
"Arg wu sentafinticate nar dunderford/Bida menti kosticated interserd/Thorphilliate stinded yilla billa zay/wentora yate paravillintiniay paravillintiniay...  
  
"Dorga orpha dorga billa/Dorga orpha stifaleare/Dorga orpha dorga billa/Tonalation fonamere...  
  
"Stop talking gibberish/Or just stop talking/Stop talking gibberish/Or just stop talking/Stop talking gibberish/Or just stop talking/Stop talking gibberish/Or just stop talking now  
  
"If I had one wish/Well I don't know what I'd wish for/But if I had a million-zillion wishes/I'd use one to let you know that gibberish is/Not a nice way to talk to all your-  
  
"Mork swax ippen reeby yuftabar/Higged quillip ernigrade du wellinshar/Lirp crawn xyfa gourk jawinstabray/Venaldo urp paravillintiniay paravillintiniay...  
  
"Stop talking gibberish/Or just stop talking/Stop talking gibberish/Or just stop talking/Stop talking gibberish/Or just stop talking/Stop talking gibberish/Or just stop talking now  
  
"If I had one wish/Well I don't know what I'd wish for/But if I had a million-zillion wishes/I'd use one to let you know that gibberish is/Not a nice way to talk to all your friends."  
  
His audience of three clapped. "There's just one thing I don't understand," Luigi said thoughtfully. "What's that?" Kyle asked, totally carefree. "If you don't have a drum set, electric guitar, or bass, where did all the music come from.  
  
Kyle turned into Bill Nye the Science Guy and said, "The sound effects crew OF SCIENCE!!"  
  
(trumpet voluntary)  
  
"Oh brother," Luigi muttered. "Um, speaking of him," Goombigi cried suddenly, pointing, "THERE HE IS!!!" Luigi's brother was indeed running toward them. Jr. Troopa was as well.  
  
"There you are, Luigi! I will finally get my revenge!" Mario shouted.  
  
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Luigi retorted.  
  
Suddenly, the Koopa Bros. came in and beat Mario and Jr. Troopa out of the fortress!  
  
"Darn it! I knew we should've moved faster!" Kyle exclaimed.  
  
"We are the cool Koopa Bros. and we'll make you hurt! Now!" shouted the red one.  
  
"Hey, I got an idea," whispered Kyle.  
  
"What is it?" Luigi whispered back anxiously.  
  
"Well, why don't you use your Luigi Cyclone from Super Smash Bros.? Then you can beat'em down!"  
  
"Well I could, but-"  
  
"THEN DO IT!!!"  
  
"Okay," Luigi said and ran at the Koopa Bros.  
  
A quick dose of pain showed the Koopa Bros. who was boss.  
  
"We give! The Star Spirit is at the top!" they cried.  
  
"Japorsnippit!" Kyle called, and Luigi and company were instantly right next to the Star Spirit. Eldstar was set free, and the chapter ended. 


End file.
